Want your life to have meaning? Start scrapbooking. Unearth photos of summer camp, family reunions and gang initiations. Crop cousin Hilda’s big hair so she fits inside the construction paper frame. Ditto with her upper arms.

Use every picture; they're all good. Backs of people's heads... When Dad gave Mom a case of TrimSpa® for their anniversary... Afterbirth.

Soon you’ll spend more on your ‘crapbook habit than your mortgage.- It’s worth it though. Matte-finish memories stuck to acid-free pages last for generations.

You don’t live on a flood plain, right?

What better way to learn about diversity than to hang out exclusively with others of the same faith.

Gossip about your neighbor at Bingo, then offer him the sign of peace at Mass.

In exchange for all that fear, guilt and shame, St. Peter is saving you a spot in heaven.

Your parents wait for you in the Jacuzzi® filled with holy water.

Celebrity moms are the only ones who procreate. If Mrs. (or Ms.) Superstar chooses to adopt, the process is simple and quick.

Motherhood’s a breeze when you’re a celebrity. The pure joy of living with a famous baby... fresh rose petals, platinum diaper wipe warmers and peppermint rainbows.

No, six months isn’t too young for a screen test. Or plastic surgery.

You look just like Katie Couric on your overpriced, undersized mobile communicator.

Wander the big box store, phone glued to the side of your head. (Ignore the fact that your kids hang from the shopping cart; push them around like it’s a fun ride.)

Others relish listening to you chat up your sister, gossip with friends about useless crap and order pizza
for delivery upon your return to Cookie Cutter Estates.

If you’re in your SUV, you must be on your pink Razr phone. It’s the law.

No doubt about it: Your children are exceptional. Off the charts in growth percentile and academic testing. Between your terrific parenting skills and superior gene pool, your pride oozes.

You can talk of little else but your special spawn. Everyone wants to hear about Caligula and Ritta Lynn. Really. They do.

Keep in touch when you submit your progeny’s applications to Ivy League colleges. They’ll probably get in to all of them.

Dear Kathleen from Keokuk,

Crop Circle Outlet Mall is where you’re sure to find that special outfit for your class reunion. Remember these fashion tips:

• Blouses: Choose wide, horizontal stripes for that airport runway look.

• Muumuus: Select big-ass floral prints to attract bees.

• Blazers: Only if pockets are larger than your first dorm room.

Kisses,
Your Higher Consciousness

P.S. Frosted blue eye shadow? Impeccable.

Great Aunt YaYa is at it again. She’s found her niche and it’s all about plastic canvas and flammable fibers.

What do you say when you unwrap her god-awful homemade piece of crap?

If you don’t regift the hideous item, how do you safely dispose of it without harming the planet? You can’t.

Mail it to your worst enemy.

April 1: My boss at Blockbuster yelled at me for, like, no reason. Post a reply and tell me you understand me better than my parents ever did.

May 19: My puka shell necklace totally broke. Dude, I have nothing better to do except to write in this flummery digest.

June 21: I’m pretty sure my pit bull Chainlink ate the neighbor kid. Mom says I have to move out.

Dear Friends and Family,

It’s been another awesome year here at the (last name) compound!

Our (oldest kid) is king of the swim team and (middle child) really enjoys Tupac Shakur Junior High’s Crystal Meth Club .

Last fall (husband) was promoted to Assistant Vice President of Waffle World. I’m still Grand Wazoo of the (boring-ass women’s club).

We spend all of our weekends at Caucasian Country Club.

Happy Holly Days!!!
(Family’s first names)

P.S. (Husband’s name, Jr.) gets out of career development camp in three to five.

TOP Five Reasons to Wear a Holiday Sweater

1. Safety factor. Nothing says "hands off" like a woman in a holiday sweater.

2. Embellished, embroidered, your holiday sweater is always in the spirit. Whether it's Bunko night or your kid's boring holiday sing, the holiday sweater screams, "I am a FUN person."

3. Snowmen. Snowwomen. Actual size. Across your chest.

4. You like labels that say "Made in a country you'll never travel to."

5. You’re under the age of eight.

Drove by your house. Saw your car.

It’s not you; it’s me. I can change.

Can't we give it another try?

Why won’t you be my
Valentine • Girlfriend • Boyfriend?
(circle one)

Call me.

SOLD OUT!

YOU people again?Beverage/Cocktail Napkin

Pale grey green. 2-ply beverage-sized paper napkin. Measures 5" square.

Guaranteed laugh at any party. Fun hostess gift. Perfect for every occasion.